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Parents may feel frustrated when they see their child fighting at home and worried when they hear about fights at school. But with the right approach, you can help them learn better ways to handle conflict. This guide will explain why kids fight, how to respond in the moment, and what you can do to prevent future fights—all while keeping discipline firm, fair, and supportive.
Common reasons children fight in school and at home
Common reasons children engage in fights include:
They struggle with emotional regulation
Some children have difficulty managing intense emotions, leading to outbursts and physical fights.¹ This often happens when they:
- Lack coping skills: Without coping skills to handle frustration, they may resort to hitting or pushing instead of using words.
- Feel overwhelmed: Too much stress, overstimulation, or big emotions can make it hard to stay in control.
- Struggle with impulse control: Younger children or those with certain developmental challenges may act on feelings before thinking through the consequences.
Peer conflicts and misunderstandings
Disagreements with friends or siblings can escalate into physical fights if children don’t know how to resolve conflicts peacefully. This is often due to:
- Poor communication skills: Children who struggle to express their needs may lash out physically instead.
- Competition and jealousy: Sibling rivalry or conflicts over toys, attention, or achievements can trigger fights.
- Social pressure: In school settings, peer influence can lead to disputes, especially if children feel the need to defend themselves or prove their strengths.
Response to discipline or authority
Some fights occur as a reaction to rules, boundaries, or discipline. This happens when children:
- Feel unfairly treated: If they believe an adult or peer is being unfair, they may act out in frustration.
- Resist authority: Some children struggle with following rules and may become aggressive when confronted about their behavior.
- Seek control: Fighting can be a way to assert dominance or regain a sense of power in situations where they feel powerless.
Unmet needs and frustration
Sometimes, fights stem from unmet physical, emotional, or social needs. This can occur when children:
- Are tired, hungry, or overstimulated: A lack of basic needs can make them more irritable and prone to lashing out.
- Feel ignored or unimportant: Acting out may be a way to gain attention from parents, teachers, or peers.
- Struggle with change or transitions: Major life changes, such as moving, a new sibling, or changes in routine, can lead to frustration and aggression.
Exposure to aggression at home or in media
Children often mimic what they see, so exposure to violent behavior can influence how they handle conflicts. This is more likely when they:
- Witness aggressive behavior at home: Children who observe frequent arguments, shouting, or physical discipline may imitate these actions.
- Play violent video games or watch aggressive shows: Watching violent movies, TV shows, or playing aggressive video games can make children think fighting is an acceptable way to solve problems.
- Experience bullying: A child who is bullied may become aggressive as a way to defend themselves or regain a sense of control.
How to address fighting behavior at home
When you catch your child fighting, your immediate response can set the tone for how they handle conflict in the future. Here’s what to do when you find them fighting:
Stay calm and separate them
Reacting with anger can escalate the situation further.² Instead:
- Intervene quickly but firmly: Step in and separate the children to prevent further harm.
- Use a calm but authoritative voice: Model self-control to help them settle down.
- Ensure safety first: If emotions are high, give them a few minutes apart to cool off before discussing the issue.
Assess the situation
Understanding what led to the fight helps address the root cause. You can do this by:
- Asking both children what happened: Give each child a chance to explain without interruptions.
- Looking for triggers: Was it over a toy, a misunderstanding, or built-up frustration?
- Identifying any patterns: If fights happen frequently, take note of common causes.
Teach problem-solving and conflict resolution
Once they are calm, guide them through resolving the conflict.³ This works best when you:
- Help them express their feelings: Encourage each child to use words instead of aggression.
- Encourage apologies and solutions: Ask them how they can make things right with each other.
- Role-play better responses: Show them peaceful ways to handle similar situations in the future.
Set clear expectations for behavior
After resolving the conflict, reinforce the rules to prevent future fights. This includes:
- Reminding them of household rules: Ensure they understand that fighting is unacceptable.
- Explaining consequences for repeated fighting: Let them know what will happen if they fight again.
- Rewarding positive behavior: Praise them when they handle conflicts peacefully.
Provide a cooling-off period if needed
If emotions are still high, give them time to cool off. This can include:
- Encouraging time alone: A short break in a quiet space can help reset their emotions.
- Using deep-breathing exercises: Teach them breathing exercises to calm down when they feel frustrated.
Implement fair and consistent consequences
Consequences should be logical and help children understand the impact of their actions. This works best when you:
- Withhold privileges: If fighting continues, temporarily removing a favorite activity (e.g., screen time) reinforces the lesson.
- Encourage making amends: Have the child apologize or take steps to repair the relationship with their sibling or friend.
Need help managing your child’s behavior?
Avery’s House provides therapy and support to help children manage frustration and resolve conflicts at home or school. If your child struggles with fighting or outbursts, contact us to see how we can help.
Effective disciplinary methods for school fights
Finding out that your child was involved in a fight at school can be frustrating and concerning. However, discipline should focus on teaching better behavior rather than simply punishing.³ Here’s how parents can respond when they receive a report that their child fought at school:
Stay calm and gather information
Before reacting, it’s essential to understand the situation.
- Talk to your child first: Ask them what happened at school and listen without interrupting. Encourage honesty by staying neutral.
- Speak with teachers or school staff: Get their perspective to understand the full context of the fight.
- Avoid immediate punishment: Reacting with anger or strict punishment without knowing the details can be counterproductive.
Help your child take responsibility
Children need to understand that fighting has consequences and that they are accountable for their actions.⁴ This can be done by:
- Encouraging them to reflect: Ask a question like, “What could you have done differently?” to help them think through their actions.
- Reinforcing school rules: Remind them that fighting goes against school policies and discuss the importance of following rules.
- Expecting an apology: Whether verbal or written, apologizing to the other child involved can help them learn accountability.
Apply appropriate consequences
Discipline should be fair and related to the behavior.⁵ Consider these approaches:
- Loss of privileges: Reduce screen time or social activities temporarily to reinforce the lesson.
- Restorative actions: Have them participate in activities that promote kindness, such as helping the class or writing a letter of apology.
- Consistent follow-through: Ensure consequences are enforced and discuss ways to prevent future fights.
- Understanding suspension policies: If the school decides to suspend your child, use this time to reinforce discussions on self-control and better choices.
Work with the school for long-term solutions
Preventing repeat incidents requires teamwork between parents and educators. This can be done by:
- Checking in with teachers: Regular communication with school staff helps monitor behavior improvements.
- Exploring conflict resolution programs: Some schools offer peer mediation or counseling services that can help.
- Encouraging positive friendships: Help your child build friendships with teens who promote respectful interactions.
Teach alternative conflict resolution skills
If your child is fighting, they likely need better ways to handle disagreements. You can help by:
- Practicing communication skills: Teach them to use words instead of aggression when they feel upset.
- Role-playing peaceful solutions: Go through different scenarios and guide them on how to respond without fighting.
- Teaching self-control techniques: Breathing exercises, counting to ten, or walking away can help them manage anger.
When to get professional help for a child’s fighting behavior
Occasional arguments and minor physical conflicts are common among children, but persistent fighting can signify deeper issues. If your kid’s aggression continues despite consistent discipline, it may be time to seek professional help. Here’s when to consider reaching out for support:
Frequent or escalating aggression
If your child’s fights are becoming more frequent or increasingly violent, professional intervention may be necessary. Signs include:
- Fights happen regularly: Your child gets into conflicts multiple times a week.
- Fighting results in injury: Fights regularly lead to harm to themselves or others.
- Difficulty calming down: They struggle to de-escalate even after the situation has ended.
Fighting across different settings
Aggressive behavior that occurs not just at home but in school and other social environments may indicate an underlying issue. Consider seeking help if your child:
- Has trouble with siblings and peers: Their conflicts extend beyond a single setting.
- Challenges authority figures: Teachers, coaches, or caregivers report issues with defiance or aggression.
- Acts aggressively in low-stress situations: They engage in fights even when unprovoked.
Impact on academic and social life
Professional guidance can be helpful when the fighting interferes with school and friendships. Look for:
- Repeated disciplinary actions at school: Suspensions or detentions due to aggressive behavior.
- Struggles in making or keeping friends: Their relationships suffer due to their aggression.
- Avoiding school or social situations: Reluctance to attend school or group activities because of conflict.
Emotional or behavioral red flags
Aggression can sometimes stem from emotional distress or undiagnosed behavioral conditions. Watch for these signs:
- Extreme anger or frustration: Frequent outbursts over minor issues.
- Signs of anxiety or depression: Withdrawal, excessive worry, or mood swings.
- Inability to express emotions verbally: Difficulty communicating feelings, leading to physical fights.
Connection to trauma or major life changes
Significant life events can trigger aggressive responses in children. Seeking help is important if your child:
- Has experienced bullying or abuse: Fighting as a defense mechanism or reaction to past trauma.
- Is struggling with family changes: Check if divorce, moving, or losing a loved one leads to increased aggression.
- Expresses self-harm tendencies: If your child displays destructive behavior or talks about harming themselves or others.
Final thoughts
Disciplining a kid who fights requires guidance, not just punishment. As they gain independence and navigate friendships, conflicts arise.
Teaching them to resolve disagreements, express emotions constructively, and respect boundaries builds essential life skills.
If you’re struggling with discipline, Avery’s House can help. We offer expert support on setting boundaries, conflict resolution, and promoting positive behavior at school and home.
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Sources
1. Urman AA. Behavioral Interventions for Aggressive Behaviors in Students with Autism Spectrum Disorder [thesis]. St Cloud, MN: St Cloud State University; 2021. Available from: https://repository.stcloudstate.edu/sped_etds/114
2. Cardinal A. Aggressive Behaviors in Students with Autism: A Review of Behavioral Interventions [thesis]. St Cloud, MN: St Cloud State University; 2016. Available from: https://repository.stcloudstate.edu/sped_etds/9
3. Foxx RM, Meindl J. The long-term successful treatment of the aggressive/destructive behaviors of a preadolescent with autism. Behav Interv. 2007;22(1):83–97. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1002/bin.233
4. Gerhardt PF, Weiss MJ, Delmolino L. Treatment of severe aggression in an adolescent with autism. Behav Anal Today. 2003;4(4):386–394. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1002/bin.232
5. Weston R, Hodges A, Davis TN. Differential reinforcement of other behaviors to treat challenging behaviors among children with autism: A systematic and quality review. Behav Modif. 2018;42(4):584–609. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1177/0145445517743487
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