When your teenager’s behavior spirals out of control, it can leave you frustrated and unsure of what to do next. Whether defiant, distant, or engaging in risky activities, their actions may be a sign of deeper emotional struggles. This guide will help you understand what’s driving their behavior and explore ways to support them through this difficult time.
Why teens show out-of-control behavior
Teenagers often act out for various reasons. These include:
Emotional struggles
When teens face overwhelming emotions, they may act out because they lack healthy coping methods. This can result in:
- Depression or low self-esteem: Feelings of insecurity may lead teens to isolate themselves or engage in risky behaviors like skipping school or reckless driving. 1
- Unresolved trauma: Teens who have experienced bullying or family conflict may have emotional outbursts when triggered by reminders of past trauma. 2
- Difficulty regulating emotions: Some teens may react impulsively to minor frustrations, such as slamming doors or yelling during disagreements because they haven’t learned to manage intense feelings. 3
Difficulty with boundaries
When rules are unclear, inconsistent, or too strict, teens may act out to feel more in control. 4 This can result in:
- Testing vague or poorly communicated rules: Teens without clear guidelines may push limits, like staying out late, to see what they can get away with.
- Rebelling against overly strict discipline: When teens feel trapped by excessive rules or constant monitoring, they may sneak out or refuse to follow directions.
- Misbehaving when consequences are inconsistent: If parents ignore misbehavior, like skipping chores or being rude, teens may continue acting out, believing there won’t be real repercussions.
Peer influence
Teens are often influenced by their social circles and the need to be accepted, leading them to make decisions they wouldn’t otherwise consider. This pressure can result in:
- Fitting in with peers: Skipping school or breaking the rules may seem necessary when a teen feels pressure to match their friends’ behavior.
- Pressure to engage in risky activities: Friends encouraging drinking, drug use, or vandalism can push even a well-behaved teen to make poor decisions in the hope of gaining approval.
Family environment
What happens at home shapes how teens cope with emotions and handle challenges. 5 Conflicts, neglect, or instability at home can lead them to respond through behaviors such as:
- Acting out due to parental conflict or divorce: Teens living in homes with constant arguments may become defiant or skip school to escape the tension.
- Seeking negative attention when ignored: Teens who feel neglected or misunderstood may argue, break rules, or engage in risky behavior to gain attention.
- Rebelling against overprotective parenting: Teens who feel smothered by strict rules may lie about their activities or refuse to follow household guidelines.
- Acting out in unstable environments: When teens grow up in homes affected by substance abuse or mental health issues, they may become aggressive or engage in risky behaviors to cope with stress.
Developmental changes
Adolescence brings rapid physical, mental, and emotional changes that can lead to unpredictable behavior. 1 These changes may result in:
- Impulsive decisions: The adolescent brain is still developing, and this could make it difficult for them to consider long-term consequences. For example, a teen may shoplift without thinking about the legal risks.
- Mood swings: Hormonal changes can make teens overly emotional, causing them to lash out over minor conflicts, such as disagreements with siblings or friends.
- Identity exploration: Teens trying to discover who they are may reject authority or household rules. For instance, they may refuse curfews, believing they should have more freedom to “find themselves.”
- Low self-esteem: Physical and social changes during adolescence can cause them to feel self-conscious and hypersensitive to criticism. This may lead them to overreact or isolate themselves when they feel judged.
What to do when your teen acts out of control
A change in your teen’s behavior can be alarming, but it’s often a sign that they are dealing with an internal or external struggle. Here’s how to approach the situation thoughtfully:
Stay calm and avoid overreacting
Reacting with panic or anger can escalate the problem. Instead, focus on staying composed:
- Pause before responding: Take a moment to calm yourself before addressing their behavior.
- Avoid making assumptions: Don’t jump to conclusions without understanding the underlying issue.
- Respond with control: Maintain a neutral tone and avoid emotional outbursts that could worsen the situation.
Dig deeper to uncover hidden causes
Sudden behavior changes are often tied to underlying issues. To find the cause:
- Check for external pressures: Ask open-ended questions like, “How are things going with your friends or teachers?” or “Has anything at school been bothering you lately?” If your teen is reluctant, monitor signs like skipped classes, falling grades, or changes in social circles.
- Consider emotional struggles: Watch for signs of anxiety or low mood, like difficulty sleeping, irritability, or withdrawal from activities they used to enjoy. If you suspect emotional struggles, say, “You’ve seemed a bit off lately. I’m here if you want to talk.”
- Reviewing recent life changes: Changes like a family move, a divorce, or the death of a loved one can leave teens feeling emotionally unstable. Check for behavioral changes after major changes, and ask, “Has the move been harder than you expected?”
- Observe for substance use or risky behaviors: Keep an eye out for changes in appearance, behavior, or hygiene. If you suspect substance use, don’t accuse them directly. Instead, say, “I’ve noticed you seem distant lately. Can we talk about what’s been going on?”
Create a safe space for them to express their emotions
Teens often need an outlet to release their frustrations or fears. Encourage them to open up by:
- Allowing them to talk without fear of punishment: Let them share their thoughts, even if they express anger or frustration. For example, if your teen says, “I hate school,” respond with, “What’s been bothering you?” instead of criticizing their attitude.
- Asking them what they need from you: Find out whether they want advice, comfort, or space. You could ask, “Would you like me to help you find solutions, or just listen?”
- Encouraging reflection on their behavior: Help them see how their emotions drive their actions. After an outburst, ask, “What triggered your reaction, and what could you do differently next time?”
- Introducing alternative outlets: Suggest journaling, physical activity, or talking to someone they trust. Say, “When you’re stressed, would a walk or writing down your thoughts help?”
When should you seek professional help for troubled teen behavior?
Seek professional help when your teen’s behavior becomes persistent, severe, or dangerous. Key signs include:
- Escalating risky behaviors: Repeated involvement in drug and alcohol use, skipping school, or illegal activities.
- Persistent mood changes: Long-term irritability, sadness, or withdrawal lasting over two weeks.
- Disrespect for authority figures: Constant defiance toward teachers, parents, or other authority figures.
- Self-harm or talk of suicide: Any signs of self-injury or suicidal thoughts require immediate attention.
- Inability to function daily: Struggling to complete basic tasks, like attending school or maintaining hygiene.
If these signs persist, consult a counselor for an assessment and guidance.
Speak with a teen counselorWhat parents often get wrong when managing out-of-control teens
When managing out-of-control behavior, parents can unintentionally make mistakes that escalate the situation or make teens feel misunderstood. Common mistakes include:
Reacting with anger or frustration
When parents let emotions guide their reactions, conflicts often worsen, pushing teens further away. These emotional responses include:
- Yelling or overreacting to minor issues: Raising their voice or focusing on small mistakes, like forgetting chores, makes teens feel unfairly criticized and misunderstood.
- Blaming the teen: Assigning blame without understanding the reasons behind the behavior can damage trust and cooperation.
- Impulsive, emotional outbursts: When you shout or punish without thinking, it stops calm discussions and often makes teens act out even more.
Inconsistent discipline
When discipline keeps changing or isn’t clearly explained, teens are left confused about what’s expected. This lack of consistency can cause:
- Mixed or conflicting messages: When parents allow certain behaviors on one day but punish them the next, teens become unsure of the rules.
- Empty threats and lack of follow-through: Promising consequences but failing to enforce them teaches teens that rules don’t matter.
- Rule changes without notice: Altering expectations suddenly or without explaining “why” creates frustration and confusion for teens.
- Ignoring positive behavior: Focusing only on mistakes while overlooking good behavior leaves them feeling unappreciated and unmotivated to change.
Over-controlling or micromanaging
When parents try to take control of every aspect of their teen’s life, it can create tension and rebellion. This level of control frequently leads to:
- Resentment toward inflexible rules: Teens who feel trapped by rigid or overly strict guidelines often rebel to assert their independence.
- Poor character development: When teens are protected from the outcomes of their mistakes, they miss opportunities to learn.
- Frustration from over-monitoring: Excessive tracking through apps or constant check-ins leaves teens feeling smothered and untrusted.
Failing to listen or communicate effectively
When communication breaks down, teens often feel misunderstood or ignored, which can cause them to withdraw. Poor communication leads to:
- Tuning out during discussions: Long, one-sided conversations feel like punishments, making teens less likely to share their feelings.
- Frustration from being interrupted: When teens are cut off, or their emotions are dismissed, they may become resentful and distant.
- Missing non-verbal signs: Parents who overlook body language when talking, like crossed arms, fidgeting, or avoiding eye contact, may miss clues that their teen is upset or overwhelmed.
Focusing only on punishment
When punishment is the primary response to bad behavior, it often fails to address the underlying causes, leading to repeated issues. The overuse of punishment can result in:
- Feeling resentful after repeated groundings: Constantly taking away privileges without offering solutions can lead to bitterness and rebellion.
- Unresolved emotional struggles: Ignoring root causes like stress, peer pressure, or anxiety allows the bad behavior to continue.
- Damage to the parent-teen relationship: Excessive or long-term punishments create emotional distance and weaken the connection between parents and teens.
Expecting instant change
When parents expect immediate improvements, it can lead to impatience, frustration, and a breakdown in trust. Unrealistic expectations often result in:
- Increased defiance due to pressure for quick results: Teens may resist efforts to change when they feel rushed or pressured.
- Reverting to old behaviors when support is inconsistent: If parents give up quickly, teens may see no reason to maintain progress.
- Discouragement when small wins are ignored: Focusing only on major changes while overlooking gradual improvements can leave them feeling like their efforts don’t matter.
Final thoughts
Managing a teen’s out-of-control behavior can be overwhelming. Still, it’s important to approach their struggles with patience and without judgment, as this creates a space where they feel understood and safe to express themselves.
If their challenges persist or begin affecting their mental health, reaching out to a counselor can provide the support your family needs.
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Sources
1. World Health Organization. Mental health of adolescents. Available from: https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/adolescent-mental-health
2. Zhao N, Yang S, Zhang Q, Wang J, Xie W, Tan Y, et al. School bullying results in poor psychological conditions: Evidence from a survey of 95,545 subjects. arXiv preprint arXiv:2306.06552. 2023 Jun 11. Available from: https://arxiv.org/abs/2306.06552
3. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Mental health disorders in adolescents. Available from: https://www.acog.org/clinical/clinical-guidance/committee-opinion/articles/2017/07/mental-health-disorders-in-adolescents
4. Zhou Y, Li X, Li J, Zhang Y, Zhang H, Zhang J, et al. Mediating and moderating effects of authoritative parenting styles on the relationship between parent-adolescent relationship and adolescent behavioral problems. Front Psychol. 2024;15:1336354. Available from: https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2024.1336354/full
5. American Psychological Association. Child and adolescent mental and behavioral health resolution. Available from: https://www.apa.org/about/policy/child-adolescent-mental-behavioral-health
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