Disciplining a child with Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) requires a thoughtful approach. Strict rules and punishments often make things worse, making kids with PDA push back even more and causing bigger behavior problems. This guide will help you understand how to discipline children with PDA by using supportive, flexible approaches.
Understanding PDA in children
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a behavior profile often seen in children on the autism spectrum. Children with PDA may go to great lengths to avoid everyday tasks or demands, not because they are defiant or naughty, but because they feel anxious and overwhelmed.¹
Many people don’t understand that their avoidance isn’t a form of disobedience—it’s a way to cope with fear or stress. This behavior often stems from a need to feel in control, which helps them manage their heightened levels of anxiety.²
If parents can view their resistance through the lens of anxiety rather than defiance, it becomes easier to support their children and discipline them.
Discipline strategies for children with PDA
When children with PDA break house rules or fail to do tasks, here’s how you can discipline them immediately:
Stay calm
Managing your emotional response is key to preventing the situation from worsening. Here’s how to stay in control:
- Take a deep breath: Pause briefly before responding to avoid reacting impulsively.
- Keep a neutral tone: Speak calmly and avoid raising your voice, which can further trigger the child.
- Use body language carefully: Maintain open, non-threatening body language to create a safe environment.
Redirect their attention
Helping your child focus on something positive can ease their stress. A quick distraction can calm their frustration and make it easier to cooperate without feeling overwhelmed. This approach works well when you:
- Offer a choice: Give two simple options related to the task to give them a sense of control. For example, if they’re upset about starting homework, you can say, “Would you like to start with math or reading first?”
- Engage in a fun distraction: Suggest a brief, lighthearted activity to break the tension. For instance, if they’re getting frustrated while cleaning up, you can say, “Let’s race and see who can pick up the most toys in 30 seconds!” Turning it into a game can shift their focus away from resistance.
- Use humor: A playful joke or funny comment can help ease the situation without dismissing the child’s feelings. For example, if they refuse to get dressed, you might say with a smile, “Are we waiting for your clothes to magically jump on you?” A lighthearted approach can reduce tension while showing empathy.
Break down tasks
When chores feel too big for kids with PDA, break them into small, manageable steps. This prevents meltdowns and shows your child they can handle things one step at a time.
- Simplify the request immediately: Give one clear and direct instruction that’s easy to follow. For example, instead of saying, “Clean your whole room,” try, “Pick up the toys on the floor first.”
- Break tasks into micro-steps: Split the task or chore into tiny, achievable actions. Instead of saying, “Clean your room,” say, “Let’s start by putting one book on the shelf.” Each small step lowers the child’s anxiety by keeping tasks manageable.
Validate their feelings
When you acknowledge your child’s feelings, they feel heard. This makes them less likely to push back and more willing to listen. To do this:
- Acknowledge their emotions: Say, “I see this is hard for you right now.”
- Avoid dismissing their fears: Let them know it’s okay to feel upset without rushing to fix the problem.
- Use reflective listening: Repeat what they say to show you understand their perspective.
Offer a temporary break
When tension rises, giving your child a short break helps them cool off. It gives them a moment to breathe, relax, and return to the task feeling calmer. This technique works best when you:
- Give them a quiet space: Find a cozy, quiet spot where your child can sit, unwind, and feel safe for a few minutes.
- Set a time frame: Let them know how long the break will last so they can prepare to return to the task.
- Use calming techniques: Guide your child to try deep breathing, or do calming activities like squeezing a stress ball to help them relax.
Support for children with PDA
Parenting a child with PDA can feel overwhelming, especially when typical discipline methods don’t work. We understand your struggles, and that’s why our residential program offers a caring space where kids build coping skills and confidence, easing behavior challenges and making parenting a lot more easier. Call to speak with our counselors.
Long-term disciplinary approaches for children with PDA
Quick disciplinary approaches aren’t enough when it comes to helping children with PDA manage their behavior and complete tasks. Long-term strategies help address why kids with PDA avoid tasks and prevent future conflicts by working on the root of the problem. Here are some methods to support long-term discipline:
Build trust and a sense of security
To help children reduce anxiety about doing their chores or tasks, it’s important to create an environment where they feel safe and know what’s coming next.³ This works best when you:
- Keep daily routines predictable: Kids feel safer knowing what to expect. For example, following the same bedtime routine helps them feel secure and more cooperative.
- Stick to your promises: Following through on promises shows them you’re reliable and builds trust. If you promise a reward after chores, ensure it happens.
- Stay patient when things go wrong: Don’t rush or scold if they struggle or resist. Let them know you understand and give them space to try again. For example, calmly say, “I know this feels hard right now. Let’s take a break and try again in a few minutes.”
Use collaborative problem-solving
Traditional discipline focuses on control, but children with PDA benefit from a collaborative approach where they feel involved in decision-making. Here’s how to do it:
- Involve your child in setting expectations: Instead of assigning a chore, ask if they’d prefer to start by tidying their clothes or clearing their desk. This small choice can lower their resistance and make them feel in control.
- Let them suggest solutions: Encourage the child to come up with ideas to solve problems or improve behavior. For instance, if they struggle with bedtime, ask, “What do you think would make getting ready for bed easier?”
- Negotiate where possible: Offer choices and flexibility to help them feel in control. For example, say, “Do you want to do your homework now or after a snack?”
Prioritize positive reinforcement over punishment
Punishment often increases stress and resistance, making behavior worse over time. Positive reinforcement, on the other hand, can help reduce power struggles by rewarding your child’s efforts and building their confidence.⁴ To encourage cooperation:
- Praise small efforts: Encourage them even if they don’t finish the task. For example, say, “I saw you picked up a few toys—that’s a good start!”
- Create a reward system: Use charts or tokens to track and reward progress. For example, give them a sticker for each task completed, and after earning five, they can choose a fun activity.
- Acknowledge their feelings: Let them know their emotions are valid, even when things don’t go as planned. For example, say, “I can see you’re upset that this task is taking longer, and that’s okay.”
Foster independence gradually
Helping children with PDA become independent requires small, steady steps to build their confidence and reduce their need to avoid tasks. You can do this through:
- Offer small choices: Let them decide on small details, like choosing which task to do first. For example, say, “Do you want to do math or reading first?”
- Encourage problem-solving: Ask for their input when they’re stuck. For example, say, “What do you think we could do to make this task easier?”
- Providing gradual responsibility: Start with minor responsibilities and gradually increase them as they build confidence. For example, begin by asking them to help set the table and later transition to managing simple chores on their own.
Getting professional help in disciplining a child with PDA
Sometimes, no matter how much effort you put into flexible discipline, managing your child’s behavior can feel overwhelming—especially when disciplining a child with PDA, a profile of autism. Knowing when to seek professional help can ensure you and your child get the right support to address underlying challenges. Remember that every child is different, but you can look for these signs:
- Frequent, intense meltdowns: If your child has regular emotional outbursts, you can’t calm down with the usual disciplinary methods.
- Escalating defiance: When minor tasks and chores lead to major pushback, and nothing seems to work.
- Impact on family dynamics: If siblings or other family members are experiencing stress due to the child’s behavior.
- School-related challenges: Ongoing issues with teachers, schoolwork, or peers that aren’t improving.
What professional support can offer
Getting help doesn’t mean you’ve failed—it means you’re committed to finding solutions. Since every child is unique, professionals can provide tailored advice and interventions to fit their needs. Counseling will help your child feel safe and supported as they learn to cope with demand avoidance. Here’s how professional support can help your family:
- Parent coaching: Learn specific techniques to handle situations more effectively and create an environment that reduces pressure.
- Behavioral therapy: Help your child understand their emotions, develop coping skills, and improve emotional regulation skills, making it easier for them to handle demands.
- Family counseling: Improve communication and understanding between family members, ensuring everyone is on the same page regarding discipline and support.
- School collaboration: Work with teachers to create accommodations for your child’s learning needs. For children with autism or those on the autism spectrum, these changes can make the classroom feel more supportive and less stressful.
Final thoughts
Disciplining a child with PDA isn’t about strict rules—it’s about creating a safe space where they can manage tasks without fear or stress. Children with PDA resist demands because of anxiety, not defiance.
If you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to seek support. At Avery’s House, we offer support to help children with PDA grow and thrive. Reach out to learn how we might be able to support your teen.
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Sources
1. O’Nions E, Eaton J. Extreme/‘pathological’ demand avoidance: An overview. Paediatr Child Health. 2020. Available from: https://journals.sagepub.com/
2. Kildahl AN, et al. Pathological demand avoidance in children and adolescents: A systematic review. Autism. 2021;25:2162–2176. doi:10.1177/13623613211034382
3. Gillberg C, Gillberg IC, Thompson L, Biskupsto R, Billstedt E. Extreme (“pathological”) demand avoidance in autism: A general population study in the Faroe Islands. Eur Child Adolesc Psychiatry. 2014;18(5):538–544. doi:10.1007/s00787-014-0647-3
4. O’Nions E, et al. Child behaviour and parenting strategies – A research update. 2019. [Internet]. Available from: http://lizonions.files.wordpress.com
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Author: Editorial Staff
FEBRUARY 11, 2025